'Things I Caught on the Train' (PIlot)

Dear Obnoxious Train Rider,
I am writing you to send my condolences to your poor friend whose boyfriend tried to sleep with her cousin. When I heard the horrible offense (along with the other 12 train passengers) I could not believe my ears. To think, after that huge party at your house where your buddy was able to supply a "fuckload of coke," and you got the bangin DJ "from L.A.", it would end in such disaster. Even worse, that cousin, who was "clearly asking for it," should have controlled herself and not followed him into the bathroom where he proceeded to finish off those last two lines.
Tell me, OTR, do you think your friend will really take him back? After hearing you so adamantly exclaim, "Leave his Druggie Ass alone and Find Someone Else" numerous times, I highly doubt she will ever consider "touching that MotherFucker Again."
I think I speak on behalf of train riders everywhere when I say that I truly hope this situation gets resolved quickly. I would hate to later hear about another mad loft party disaster.


Sincerely,
~Polite Observer~